If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Happy thanksgiving
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?