Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
You Might Also Like
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡