Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
You Might Also Like
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I didn’t realize that was an option
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.