Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
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MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
That’s not how days work.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.