I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
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We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
💁🏻♂️
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.