I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Favourite diary entry ever
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”