Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
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Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*