Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today