When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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Comparing yourself to others
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’