a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
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I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.