Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.