You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
kids play hide and seek like
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie