Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
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Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
men are simple creatures
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.