doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.