spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My background check bounced.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby