*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I triple waxed for this?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.