ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
reviewed some movies recently
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Thoughts
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee