4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
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It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
is this a threat
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay