Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
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Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
So we got a goldfish…
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.