Not recommended for beginners.
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why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
HOW DARE YOU