Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
You Might Also Like
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Oh. My. God.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”