Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
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Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I have a black belt in leather
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
sensitive skin
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I would move hell over six inches for you
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie