Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one