Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
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Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
and this one
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
estão todos miauvindo?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.