With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
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Waffles make excellent pill organizers
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second