I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
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Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
lot going on here, legally speaking.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.