Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
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billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.