Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
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Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
guys I’m going home
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.