“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
You Might Also Like
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.