The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
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This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I hope Alan is OK
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
12. I think about this all the damn time
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.