For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
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*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Straight people are cancelled
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I’d use my best pan on you.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes