nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
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2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing