I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers