Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Yup….perfect score!
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car