I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
this is so top tier i cant
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Inside you there are two wolves
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.