In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead