“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.