3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
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Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
And now we wait
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.