The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
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Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I can also cook 😂
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone