My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
You Might Also Like
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
This kinda thing happens to me often
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!