Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.