“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
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I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.