If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
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A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.