Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Science memes
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.