BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling