I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
You Might Also Like
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Ladies, why y’all do this?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
So glad we cleared that up
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.