Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
They got Raph!
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent