I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
You Might Also Like
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Safety first
Cardio Made Easy
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
The Sun’s probably Asian.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden