My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…