Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
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You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
October already? What’s next? November????
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too